Smacking
Thursday, 20th July 2006Did anyone see the debate of smacking on John Campbell last night? Well this is my reply to the show. I dunno whether it will get read or not, it's pretty long for TV, however…
Dear John
I would like to reply to the smacking article you had on your show last night.
I am in my fourth and final year of a conjoint degree of BA/Bteach (majors of) Education and Early Childhood Education. I have been working in the Early Childhood profession for 5 years. Yes, I am an academic, and a teacher, no I don’t have children.
I cried for that boy last night, and the reason why I cried is because his Mother had come to the conclusion that giving him a whollop with a riding crop was okay, because it was the last thing that she could have done to set him path back on the track of right and wrong. The reality is that this most likely would not have set him back on the right track, but affirmed his previous notions of “I guess violence is okay”. Yes, hitting a child with a riding crop is violence.
The thing we all have to remember is that undesirable behaviour, bad behaviour, being naughty, whatever you want to call it, does not just happen out of the blue. There are always, ALWAYS tell-tale signs of a child who is not happy within him/herself – the boy destroying school property was most likely him being angry/frustrated at the situation that he was in, and it was perhaps a way of asking for HELP. I am picking that the reason why he was asking for help was that throughout his life, his mother has brought home violent partners, and he would have been witness to those partners. All of a sudden, he is angry at those men because they are hurting his mother, but also his role models, the men in his life that he learns behaviour from are violent, so that’s what he learns. You can’t change your spots if you don’t know that your spots are wrong.
So really what the problem for this boy was, is not that he was all of a sudden destroying school property, and doing whatever else was wrong and he needed punishment for this, the problem is that he was/is in a home environment that was hurting him and his mother both physically and psychologically. Yes, boys have feelings too.
So what should mum have done? She should have gone to the school. Schools are much better equipped to handle long-term situations like these. She should have gone to his teacher, or the principle, or the school counsellor and said “I’m worried for my sons wellbeing, please help me”. The school could have then put in place security people in his life that he could talk to when he was feeling angry/sad etc. He could have talked to the counsellor and worked through the fact that he has come from an awful home environment of violence and he doesn’t feel safe. HIS CALL FOR HELP WOULD HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.
The thing about smacking/physical punishment is that it answeres the parents need to discipline their child for something that they have done wrong, however not all parents look hard enough into WHY they are doing that particular behaviour. Teachers need to be reflective on their teaching practices, and parents need to be reflective also.
When I first started my training at University, I did not think that smacking was a bad thing. I always thought “I was smacked, and it did no harm to me”. But after reflection, I realised that it had done me harm. I was not worried about being ‘naughty’ and doing bad things. I was not worried about the consequences of my actions, who it hurt, how much money it cost etc etc. What I was scared about was getting a smack, because it dam well hurt. Sure smacking “worked”, I wasn’t ‘naughty’, but I didn’t behave properly for the right reasons either. It has taken me four years of schooling, doing uni papers like ‘education psychology’, ‘counselling’ and ‘the early years debates’ where we discussed and debated smacking/physical punishment to come to the realisation that smacking is not the best way to discipline our children. New Zealand is not going to come to that conclusion over night either.
At the end of the interview you said that the boy said that he wouldn’t smack his children and the reason he said this is because he was scared that CYFS would take his children away – at least that’s what his mother said. Of course he said that to his mother, he’s probably scared he’d get the cane if he didn’t.
New Zealand, please remember – Peace begins with Babies.
References for parenting help – go to your local library and search for Magda Gerber and/or RIE philosophy.
For debates on smacking look up Anne Smith.
sprokes_blog
It is all well and good for you to say these things before you have had children. It is completely another story dealing with your own frustration over a ‘naughty child’. Okay so you have studied and no doubt looked after dozens of children, possibly even over night. But its no comparison to having one full time. You dont realise how much of your freedom they take away, how much of YOU. And its so hard to give so much then end up with a tantrum throwing toddler.
I’m not saying smacking is right and i agree with you about the after effects. It just seems that perhaps your opinion is a little biased, or perhaps uneducated is the right word.
Well I wouldn't say that my opinion is uneducated, because, to be frank, I am more educated in early childhood education than most adults/parents. I think the word you were looking for is inexperienced. No, I am not a parent, and I said that at the start of this coloum for that particular reason. However, having worked with children for the past 6 years, in childcare centres, as a nanny, as a babysitter, and as an aunty of 6 neices/nephews (2 with ADHD and 2 with Autism) and yes, I have had my share of working with children on a 24-48 hour basis I dare say that my opinon is not inexperienced. However, I do not say that my education is complete, nor will it ever be, because as a teacher, and as an educator, I am always reflecting and trying to improve on my teaching skills.
I do know how much effort children take out of you. I do know that children take away your freedom. But in the end YOU chose to have a child, and in making that decision, I dare say you would have been clued up that children are for life, not just for when you feel like having them around. YOU chose to give away your freedom to them. I do know that it is hard to give when your child is having a tantrum. I have delt with many a tantrum in my time, and dealing with many tantrums over a variety of children, I do know that the same skills do not work for all children. Children are individuals, and it is up to the primary caregiver/s (whether this is parents, grandparents, or their teacheres or their afterschool carer) to talk together and work out what is the best possible way to deal with behaviour issues that come up.
What I was saying in this coloum, is that there is ALWAYS something behind the behaviour. Whether this something is on the surface, and you can see it (ie they're tired and ready for bed) or it is something deeper down (ie, as in the boy I talk about that was on TV who had violent role models and was angry at his home situation). And the same is true for tantrums. I can gaurentee you that there is a reason why the child is having a tantrum, whether you can see it or it is something hidden within their minds.
From what I have observed, the main reason for a tantrum is the caregiver (and I will use this word so it applies to all of the people that have roles in the childs life) has said one of two things. I explain the first example of a person saying "no, you cannot have that lolly". Now this is a pretty common occurance, at the supermarket, at home. One of the reasons that a child is throwing a tantrum at this is because they are testing the limits. If they have thrown a tanty before and you've given into them, giving them the lolly just to shut them up and save face in public, then what you have done is taught them this: "If I throw a tanty for long enough, [cargiver] will give me what I want." This will then extend out into other areas – not wanting to go to bed, not sitting down at the table to eat, and so on. With this sort of tanty, not only is it the child testing the limits, but also it is the child coming to terms with the word "no", which can be very hard for a young child, espically if they are used to getting their own way.
The second one, is that the cargiver has disrupted their play without giving them warning. Turn to your partner now, and without talking to them and with no warning, lift up their arm to take off their jacket. How do they react? Does it feel nice? Do they ablige into letting you lift up their arm, or do they retract from you. Now try this: while they are watching TV, without warning, and without talking to them, turn it off and tell them that they have to go to bed. Don't worry about what time of the day it is, just do it. How do they react with that? The exact same reactions/feelings occur to a child when you do this to them. Btw, I am not suggesting that you do actually do this to your child, however a lot of people do without thinking about it. The thing is that a lot of people don't realise is that children learn through play. Their play IS their work, and disrupting them from that without warning (ie "in 5 mins I want you to come to the table to have dinner") causes them to fight back because they're telling you "actually, I'm not ready to come to dinner because I'm engrossed in something" (Btw, this is something that Supernanny does often, which is why, if you read through my other posts, I'm opposed to SN too). They key to handeling tantrums is to look deeper than the child just mis-behaving because they feel like it. What are the messages you are sending to your child? How are you rewarding, or discouraging this behavour?
Actually there is one other reason that I can think of that a child will have a tantrum, and that is, they are angry/upset about something that has happened (ie Mum has just gone out the door, and I really don't want to be left with Grandma at the moment). This sort of tantrum is not actually a tantrum, but it is the child expressing their feelings about what has just happened. The important thing with this is to say something along the lines of "I can see you are feeling upset (name the emotion). I know that it is hard for you when Mum has to leave. How can I help you?" It is important not to distract the child with a toy, or with TV (etc) but to validate their feelings, and let them experience what has just happened. If you don't allow the child to go through those feelings and realise that, actually "I'm okay with Grandma" then this does not help their bonding/attacthment, because Grandma hasn't made them feel safe.
So the real trick that I have found with tantrums is that you have to be patient. You have to give the child time to work through the feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, or just being pissed off because Mum's not giving me that lolly. However, you do need to be there for them once they have finished crying/screaming/kicking etc. Ask them questions (no matter what age) "How are you feeling now?" "do you want a hug now that you have calmed down?" (dont try give them a hug before they have calmed down, because it will be seen as a reward for having a tantrum, rather than a comfort when they have finished). But above all stick to your guns, because the moment you give in, and give them what they want, then they thing "aha! I've got her". If you want to find out more I suggest going to your local libary and looking up Magda Gerber, or Emmi Pickler. "Your Self Confident Baby…" is an excellent book that deals with things.
Remeber that crying is okay. It is a way of a child expressing their feelings. It is they way you handle that crying that makes the difference.
I do think you are uneducated, or maybe a slight disability due to not having your own children. Being around them, studying them, caring for them intermittently is just not the same.
You can say now it is easy to control your temper but it is totally different when they are your own. A mother is bothered by the cry of her child, more so than anyone else around her.
Some children constantly test their limits. Okay so you have said no to a lolly and they throw their tantrum which can last up to half an hour. They have calmed down and five minutes later they are throwing a tantrum again because they do not want to eat any of their dinner. Another 30 minute tantrum. Then they are obviously tired so you try to convince them its time for bed. Another 30 minutes. And so it goes on and can do for weeks at a time. I do not know any mother who has not lost it at some stage. Some smack, some simply remove themselves from the situation until they are calm again.
"I can gaurentee you that there is a reason why the child is having a tantrum, whether you can see it or it is something hidden within their minds" – Yes but how is the mother supposed to know. Toddler may cry because he wants a biscuit and isnt getting one when mother doesnt even know he wants it. Where does that leave us.
So do you think the caregiver should just give the child a lolly and hence not tantrum and hence eradicate any chance of smacking.
Personally i think the child needs to know who is boss (and i dont mean by smacking them!) and they need the direction. And yes if it is childs bed time i think i would firmly tell them it was bed time and turn off the tv if this was the case. Where as any partner is old enough to decide their own bed time.
Just for pure amusement, im assuming you dont believe in colic either.
I have continued this discussion as a seperate post,
http://blog.ordinarylife.co.nz/index.php/2006/07/22/re-smacking/
any comments on this post will be re-pasted to the new post.
interesting. personally i think there is a big difference betweeen smacking and beating your child. and smacking is not something i object to – under the RIGHT circumstances..the anon post above criticises smacking and claims that without having your own kids it is not fair to say how easy (or not) it is for an adult to not keep their own temper:"I do not know any mother who has not lost it at some stage. Some smack, some simply remove themselves from the situation until they are calm again."smacking a child because YOU can’t cope is clearly not a productive technique – all that teaches a child is that when you lose control violence is okay. i once smacked my ex’s daughter at age 4.. she didn’t want to eat her breakfast so she took her peanut butter toast, put it upside down on the carpet under the table and stomped on it to hide it. i smacked her hand (called it a smack but it was the lightest tap) and explained that she was being smacked because she had lied (about eating her breakfast) and she had delibrately hidden the food rather than telling the truth. she cried for a minute (more because she knew what she did was wrong and she knew she shouldn’t have done it), got a cuddle, and went on her way. by the way, she never lied to me again. but i was calm, explained the what and why and would never smack a child because my patience was getting thin.