I do know how much effort children take out of you.  I do know that children take away your freedom.  But in the end YOU chose to have a child, and in making that decision, I dare say you would have been clued up that children are for life, not just for when you feel like having them around.  YOU chose to give away your freedom to them. I do know that it is hard to give when your child is having a tantrum.  I have delt with many a tantrum in my time, and dealing with many tantrums over a variety of children, I do know that the same skills do not work for all children.  Children are individuals, and it is up to the primary caregiver/s (whether this is parents, grandparents, or their teacheres or their afterschool carer) to talk together and work out what is the best possible way to deal with behaviour issues that come up.

What I was saying in this coloum, is that there is ALWAYS something behind the behaviour.  Whether this something is on the surface, and you can see it (ie they're tired and ready for bed) or it is something deeper down (ie, as in the boy I talk about that was on TV who had violent role models and was angry at his home situation).  And the same is true for tantrums.  I can gaurentee you that there is a reason why the child is having a tantrum, whether you can see it or it is something hidden within their minds.

From what I have observed, the main reason for a tantrum is the caregiver (and I will use this word so it applies to all of the people that have roles in the childs life) has said one of two things.  I explain the first example of a person saying "no, you cannot have that lolly".  Now this is a pretty common occurance, at the supermarket, at home.  One of the reasons that a child is throwing a tantrum at this is because they are testing the limits.  If they have thrown a tanty before and you've given into them, giving them the lolly just to shut them up and save face in public, then what you have done is taught them this: "If I throw a tanty for long enough, [cargiver] will give me what I want."  This will then extend out into other areas – not wanting to go to bed, not sitting down at the table to eat, and so on.  With this sort of tanty, not only is it the child testing the limits, but also it is the child coming to terms with the word "no", which can be very hard for a young child, espically if they are used to getting their own way.

The second one, is that the cargiver has disrupted their play without giving them warning.  Turn to your partner now, and without talking  to them and with no warning, lift up their arm to take off their jacket. How do they react? Does it feel nice? Do they ablige into letting you lift up their arm, or do they retract from you.  Now try this: while they are watching TV, without warning, and without talking to them, turn it off and tell them that they have to go to bed.  Don't worry about what time of the day it is, just do it.  How do they react with that?  The exact same reactions/feelings occur to a child when you do this to them. Btw, I am not suggesting that you do actually do this to your child, however a lot of people do without thinking about it.  The thing is that a lot of people don't realise is that children learn through play.  Their play IS their work, and disrupting them from that without warning (ie "in 5 mins I want you to come to the table to have dinner") causes them to fight back because they're telling you "actually, I'm not ready to come to dinner because I'm engrossed in something" (Btw, this is something that Supernanny does often, which is why, if you read through my other posts, I'm opposed to SN too). They key to handeling tantrums is to look deeper than the child just mis-behaving because they feel like it.  What are the messages you are sending to your child?  How are you rewarding, or discouraging this behavour? 

Actually there is one other reason that I can think of that a child will have a tantrum, and that is, they are angry/upset about something that has happened (ie Mum has just gone out the door, and I really don't want to be left with Grandma at the moment).  This sort of tantrum is not actually a tantrum, but it is the child expressing their feelings about what has just happened.  The important thing with this is to say something along the lines of "I can see you are feeling upset (name the emotion). I know that it is hard for you when Mum has to leave.  How can I help you?"  It is important not to distract the child with a toy, or with TV (etc) but to validate their feelings, and let them experience what has just happened.  If you don't allow the child to go through those feelings and realise that, actually "I'm okay with Grandma" then this does not help their bonding/attacthment, because Grandma hasn't made them feel safe.

So the real trick that I have found with tantrums is that you have to be patient.  You have to give the child time to work through the feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, or just being pissed off because Mum's not giving me that lolly.  However, you do need to be there for them once they have finished crying/screaming/kicking etc.  Ask them questions (no matter what age) "How are you feeling now?" "do you want a hug now that you have calmed down?" (dont try give them a hug before they have calmed down, because it will be seen as a reward for having a tantrum, rather than a comfort when they have finished).  But above all stick to your guns, because the moment you give in, and give them what they want, then they thing "aha! I've got her". If you want to find out more I suggest going to your local libary and looking up Magda Gerber, or Emmi Pickler.  "Your Self Confident Baby…" is an excellent book that deals with things.

Remeber that crying is okay.  It is a way of a child expressing their feelings.  It is they way you handle that crying that makes the difference.