A response to a parent whose child always gets into her parent’s bed in the middle of the night.

From NZParents on Facebook:

Hi, can you help me with a wee dilema? Our 4 yr old starts off in her own bed but then wakes up in the middle of the night and decides to climb in with Mum & Dad. I know we have orchestrated this problem ourselves by not sorting it out straight away but we were always too tired to deal with it & let it go on. Now years later and the wee one now not as wee, I have trouble sleeping with ‘The Wedge’ between us, usually as she lies across the bed with either head or knees in my back. The wife can sleep through anything and doesn’t have the same level of concern. I thought she would grow out of this but no…. can anyone help with a suggestion on how to now manage it?

Sleeping by herself is a very scary thing, especially when it has been going on for so long. It is important for everybody in your family to get a good sleep, and it is important for her to know that she isn’t letting you get a good night sleep. Unfortunately often with children, what seems like the easiest option at the time is often not later down the track. She may grow out of it, but then again, it might not be until she mentions it to her 10 year old school buddies and she gets teased for it that she decides she is big enough to sleep on her own.

I have a few suggestions; though let me know her age – (it’s easier for suggestions when I know the age and her level of understanding)

First of all, choose a weekend that you have absolutely *nothing* on, and you can be prepared for not getting any sleep at all. It’s is especially a good idea to tell her teachers (if she’s at childcare/school) and you might want to mention it to your workmates/bosses so that they can understand why on that particular workday morning you may be a bit drained.

Start about two/1&half weeks before that weekend and talk to her. Make it a whole family discussion at first. Have a calender ready, and a vivid/felt something that you will be able to mark off the days with her.

“Mum and Dad [Dad and Mum] have decided that you are big enough to be sleeping in your own bed all through the night.” (Give her a bit to let her understand that)

“I/We understand that you really like to sleep in our bed. But, when you come in to Mum and Dad’s bed at night, you wake us up and we do not get a good sleep. When we don’t get a good sleep, we get grumpy, and we can get angry really easy. Do you remember what you feel like when you are really tired, just before you go to bed, well that’s how Mum and Dad feel when you wake us up.” (If you have an example of a time when she was so tired that she had a tantrum, didn’t want to eat or something like that, something that she can relate to it will help her to empathise with how you are feeling).

“So, on this day (circle a Friday – or the day you choose and cound how many sleeps that is) Mum and Dad want you to sleep in your own bed all night by yourself.”
Make sure you make it exciting like a really special thing, and a “big girl” thing to do. If she has any older siblings or friends/someone she looks up to that sleep in their bed all night, talk about how they do it too. Also, don’t rush through it. Give her time to think about everything that you’re saying

Ask her what she thinks about what you’ve said, and answer any questions. If she says something like “I don’t like that”, “I don’t want to” or “I think it’s a dumb idea” let her know you understand. Saying something like “I understand you don’t like that idea, but Mum and Dad *NEED* you to do.” If you get a “why?” then talk to her again about how you need to get your sleep so that you don’t get grumpy, angry, snappy etc and that you will be able to look after her better if you aren’t angry. Give her a chance to be upset about it, her being upset is her way of working through her feelings of change. If she has a tantrum, don’t smooth it over by saying “it’ll be okay” don’t cave in. Just let her know that it is something that will be happening.

Througout the next few weeks tell her teachers, grandparents and other people that she’s close to, when she’s around. Make it a big deal, and get the other adults to be excited for her (you can generally lead the converstion with other adults by saying in an excited voice “[Daughter] is going to be sleeping in her own bed the whole night soon. She’s got [X] sleeps to go. Isn’t that exciting?”
And every morning/night make sure you mark it off the calender and talk about how many sleeps she’s got left, and answer any questions she has. Reassure her feelings and re-iterate the reasons why you’re doing this. Remember she may feel angry, sad and a little abadoned, which are all natural feelings, but she has to work through them in her own time.

If you wanted to, you could make up a star chart with her just before the day you choose. Talk about how when she gets so many stars, she will get a reward. (with rewards, don’t make them food or presents. Try make it something she enjoys, like she gets to go to the park, or gets to watch an extra 15 mins of her favourite programme, maybe have a movie night if she’s done superwell. You know your child best, and you know the things that she likes to do. With a star chart, make it a big deal the first time she gets a star, then she has to get two stars for the next time, three for the next time, and keep adding a star for each time for the next reward. Try not to make it about getting to stay up from bed an extra half hour because you’re trying to develop positive sleep habits. Getting her to choose her own reward would be awesome for her because when she achieves it, she will feel like she’s earnt what she wanted.

Anyway you’ve talked about it lots and now the big night comes. It’s a good idea to get siblings to sleep over at somebodys house for the weekend so you are only dealing with one tired child.

Give her lots of warning as bedtime approaches, and go through her bedtime routine with her. Talk about how tonight she’s going to be a big girl and she’s going to sleep on her own for the whole night. Let her choose her teddies that will also stay with her. I’m guessing that she goes to sleep okay as you haven’t said anything about that (if going to bed is a nightmare, you will need to address that issue first). Also, make sure she is able to get into her bed on her own (if it’s too high, you might want to get a stool for her to climb on). Does she have a nightlight? If not, they are a great investement.

So she’s gone to bed, is asleep, you’re in bed and asleep. Hopefully she stays in her bed. If she does come in, don’t shoo her away, but don’t let her get into bed. Turn the light on, and tell her “Do you remember what we talked about? Mum and Dad are sleeping in our bed by ourselves tonight. You need to sleep in your own bed by youself.” Keep calm, and tell her matter-of-factly. Hopefully she doesn’t start crying and having a tantrum. If she does, stick to your guns. Keep talking to her about how the other children she looks up to sleep by themselves in their own beds etc etc, everything you’ve been talking over the week. Also, if you had a star chart, remind her of her reward. Let her have a minute or so to cry, and together take her to bed (crying and screaming). Give her a choice of walking by herself, or to be carried e.g. “You have to go back to your bed. We’ve talked about it lots over the past few weeks. You have a choice. Either you can walk by yourself, or I can take you. What do you want”. Give her a few minutes to answer. If she doesn’t indicate either or carries on crying tell her “You doing that tells me that you want me to carry you”. You can pick her up now, if she says she wants to walk let her.

Put her to her bed in the same mannor that you do in the evening. I’m assuming this is putting her in, telling her you love her, giving her a kiss and saying that you’ll see her in the morning. Remind her that you are always close by in your bedroom. Do you shut the door? If so, say goodnight and do so. Be prepared to let her scream. This is okay. She is just dealing with her feelings of something changing in her routine that wasn’t instigated by her. *DO NOT GIVE IN*. It is crucial that you both stay strong together and do not give in to her crying, otherwise you will teach her that if she cries and screams enough, she will get her way. What you can do is wait. I know it is agonising hearing her cry, but your child is in a safe environment, she cannot hurt herself, and most children will not hurt themselves on purpose. Let her cry scream and kick. Once she has calmed down, you can go back in and wish her goodnight again, and remind her that you love her. Here you need to use your own judgement of your child. If you know that she will start crying/screaming etc as soon as she sees you, you will have to weigh up whether it is better to say goodnight again, or to just leave her.

If she falls asleep on the floor somewhere, leave her, but put a blanket over her (as long as you know she’s warm, she’ll be ok). Waking her could risk starting a tantrum again. She will only do this a couple of times before she realises that the floor is not very comfortable, and she won’t want to sleep there.

If she comes in again, repeat the process, and stay stron, and don’t allow her to get into your bed, because then she will

In the morning, congratulate her on trying to stay in her bed. Talk to her about how she felt, and how you feel, “I was really sad that you did not want to stay in your bed last night. I understand that it was hard for you. It was hard for Mum and Dad too, we don’t like to hear you cry like that. But you did an awesome job at trying to stay in your bed.”

Of course if she did go back to her bed and go back to sleep congraulate her heaps with “I’m so proud you went back to sleep” and if she didn’t come out at all, allow her to put her sticker on, and do something awesome togther for the day.

Go through this the next day and the next day. Make sure you always say something positive about what happened the night before

Let me know if anything here is not clear, or if you have any other questions. These are just suggestions. You know your child best (being that I’ve never met her!) and I’m just going on a generalisation on advice that we give parents at the centre. Generally this works with the children I know, but then I know them quite well.

Tags: Childcare, Children, Infants, Sleeping, Toddlers