Written a while ago, posted today.

27 nov 09

So, I’ve made the decision to break up with Anthony.  It’s been a difficult decision to make, but the more I think about “do I want to be like this for the next 50 years” the more I think “hell no”.

Please don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t love him, and I will always have a candle burning for him for the rest of my life.

This decision has happened over a long process, since things were not good between us in London (and one of the reasons why I said we needed to come back, even though that’s not what I said to him).  This decision has been going around in circles for many many months, but now, through good council from friends (not pushing, just listening), and to those that I’ve talked to, I appreciate you willing to listen to me on this topic, as it has been my main topic of conversation since coming back from UK.

There have been many factors that have lead me to this decision.  Moving away from Ants to Rotorua was probably one of the best things I could have done.  To not be signed to a lease of a rental with him, to not currently have any furniture with him (except for the big-screen TV that he purchased, which I wasn’t really happy with at the time, but didn’t have any real reason to say ‘no’).

I guess my decision was really made the last time he came to see me (which he hasn’t done very often, because he always moans about the cost).  It felt like my brother had come to stay. Srsly. There was no passion, no excitement, even though we hadn’t seen each other for 4 weeks, and had barely spoken on the phone.  We argued, over something that was trivial, but I wasn’t willing to back down just so that he could be ‘right’.  Also we didn’t really get any closure.  We nearly broke up then, and the only reason I stopped him from packing his bag was because I was worried about how he would drive the 5ish hours back to Wellington in that state.

I also feel that I stayed with him for so long because I felt I owed him.  He was the one that encouraged me to go to uni.  He was the one that helped me on my path to who I am today. It’s taken me a while to realise that I don’t owe him, because I have put more than my fair share back into this relationship.

I also realised that he and I have been ‘married’ for 5 or so years now.  We’ve talked about how we are both in this relationship for the long-haul, and we’ve been thinking about, and planning our life.  But because of that we are comfortable.  There’s no need to try and bring the passion, there’s no need to make an effort.

I’ve felt that Ants has always done everything by the book.  He started going out with me, because I asked, we moved in together because I asked, he asked me to marry him because I asked him first.  He turned me down because it ‘wasn’t the right time’ and then asked me when he had finished his accounting exams 5 months later.  And we went over to England because I insistently asked.

I feel that Ants does things because this is about right in the time that they should be done, rather than because he wants to do them with everything he has.  I don’t doubt that he loves me.  But some part of me thinks that he loves me because he should love me.

So, after going around in circles with this situation, I have arrived at my decision.  Next weekend, I will be going down to Wellington, and I will be breaking up with him.  Obviously, by the time I post this story, it will have already happened. I’m not about to break up with him via my blog.

I have loved the last 7.5 years together, and I do not think that they are a waste.  You have taught me a lot about myself, and a lot about who I can be.  But I have grown, and changed.  You are still the same.  I will always love you, but you can no longer provide me with what I seek.

I wish you all the happyness that this earth will provide you.

Current Mood: content

Tags: Anthony, Engagement, Love, Relationship