So it’s been a week and a bit since I broke up with Anthony.  It was a pretty crazy weekend actually.

After getting down to Welly on Saturday morning, I stopped in to see a friend for some advice, then carried on.  I took Ants down to the beach where he proposed to me, and told him that it was over.  We talked a little.  He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t a blubbering mess.  I’ve thought about that comment, and realised that I wasn’t a mess because I had taken so much time to come to terms with this decision.  It was more fulfilling the act then working through the problem.  Don’t get me wrong, I was sad I just didn’t feel it the way that I have done in the past.

I got back to Bambi’s and had a cry.  A good cry.  And then I carried on with my day.  We talked, we had a few smokes (yes started smoking again for that period of time – have given up again though)  Kylie rocked up with her friend Rebecca, and we had a few drinks.  Then we got ready to go out (including Kies straightening my hair).

Some people have asked or questioned why I would want to go out the night I’d just broken up with my fiancee.  Some have thought that I was celebrating the decision.  I wasn’t.  I was sad/subdued all night, but I don’t get to Welly very often, and when I do, I try to make time for my friends.  I was a bit miffed that only a handful turned up, but hey, I didn’t advertise it as I usually would have, and those of my friends with bumps in their belly’s, I understand And those that did turn up are those that are closest to me at the moment anyway.  I guess the main thing was, I wasn’t going to sit at home and mope about what had happened.  I had already come to terms with my decision, so why pine over it feeling sorry for myself?  I am glad that I didn’t get as drunk as Becca did though (who found out that her boyf had been making advances to other girls) and she turned into a mess.  I was careful not to do that, because I know that if I’d gotten smashed, I would have been the same.

Anyway, we resided in Kitties for the night, which included some shakers (thanks Bambi) and meaningful learning of signing “wahhh” (directed at Becca) and Kylie and I shaking our tail feathers to the live band, esp to Faith, Hey-ya (which made me a little sad because that was a New Years song with Ants at the Mount one year) and Blister in the Sun.  I couldn’t believe that I could jump in my heels.

Chris was our sober driver home, to which we were all very grateful for.  And he brought the piece-of-shit car too which meant it wouldn’t have been so bad if anyone did need to throw up lol *bags not cleaning*

The next day Kylie went to get her eyebrows done and tinted, Amber and I fluffed around at her house, and then I met Kies at Wholly Bagels for a snack. It was during this time of analysing my relationship with Kies that I got a message from Ants, saying that he’d packed up my stuff, and he wanted it out. Thank God I didn’t drink last night and have a hangover.  I managed to be calm with him on the phone, and worked out that Bambi and I would go over and pick it up.  He was also already trying to discuss financials.  I have to say, I was a little taken a-back at how abruptly he wanted me out of his life.  I know that it was his way of dealing with his emotion, but still.  It was almost “you’ve made the decision, so get the hell out of my life right bloody now”.

Kylie had to go back to Palmy, so Amber and I went around to Kathy and Ants’s place to collect my stuff.  It felt weird to be there.  This place that I had thought of as my second  home for 7.5 years and suddenly I was unwanted.  That was when it started to hurt.  So I just did my best to get my stuff and go.  Ants and I ended up talking.  This was also sad. Not sad because I still loved him, but sad because it hurt that someone I care for so deeply was hurting, and I couldn’t comfort him, because I was the one that was hurting him.  It was a very odd sensation.  I’m always the one that is caring, empathetic, sympathetic when someone is hurting, and to know that I wasn’t the appropriate person to hug him and tell him that everything will be okay was very strange, especially as this would be the time that he needed that caring most, and probably one of the few times when I’ve seen him be in touch so much with his emotion. I hope it’s this depth of caring that we have for one-another that will help us to be friends later when we’ve both healed.  Of course, I’m not going to push for anything. Que sera, sera.

BTW, I have to thank Chris immensely for storing my stuff at his house for me. He has all my precious’s like my photo albums and memories.  I am so so grateful to him.

The next week has all gone pretty quickly for me.  I have caught myself thinking/planning for my wedding and had to remind myself that I have no one to marry.   I’ve been sleeping easier, and I feel much more calm and relaxed about what is going to happen in my life.  I know I have good friends, and I have friends who are both my friends and Anthony’s friends, who are sticking by both of us, and I don’t for the life of me expect anyone to take sides – mostly because there are no sides to take.  I hope that in time, Ants and I can rock up to the same parties with our perspective boyf/girlf and be able to hug and say hello, share a drink and have a chat.  I don’t expect that will be easy, but while I have lost a lover, I don’t want to loose a friend, especially one I have shared so much of my life with, and have so many good memories with.

Over the past week Ants has worked hard to get a separation agreement sorted for us. I have to read through it tonight, and get it all signed and stuff.

My next goal will be purchasing a car – funnily enough the same goal I’ve had for the past four months. Except now I have less money to do it in.  I was hoping to get one before Christmas, but that doesn’t look likely now. *sigh* I’ll have to hire a car for my Christmas and New Years jaunt around the country (PS, open invite for NY’s at Vinegar Hill if you’re interested).  But in saying that, I’m a little up in the air as to whether I will buy a car, or maybe I’ll go back overseas. I guess I’ll have to make up my mind fairly soon.   I kinda want to just get through my last 6 weeks in Rotorua, and then decide.  If I get any permanent job in Welly, I’ll have to stay for at least two years.  By which time, a OE around Europe will probably just be a holiday rather than a get stuck in and work trip.  But then I didn’t get to take much advantage of my time over there while I was working anyway, so tripping around might not be so bad.  Time-frame decisions need to be had I guess.

My second goal will be to go through all my and Ants’s stuff at my parents place.  We stored so much stuff at Kathy’s, and there’s about as much at Mum and Dads.  I will have to go through it all and figure out who gave what for our engagement party, and find all of Ants’s stuff to give back to him.  That will be another emotional roller-coaster.  I will probably go to Welly on Boxing day night.  Ants and I have a lot of digital that we need to transfer too, but I don’t know whether just after Christmas will be too soon. I guess I’ll talk to him about that.

It’s funny where I’m sitting at the moment.  I’m sad for what might have been, but I’m not unhappy with my decision.  I’ve had a lot of support from friends and family, and it feels weird to be making up my own mind, and making my own decisions again.  I’m enjoying my new-found freedom.  I’m enjoying my new-found Heidi.

Current Mood: calm & contemplative

Tags: Amber, Anthony, Engagement, Kylie, Love, Relationship