It’s been a long year
Friday, 25th December 2009
My God, how my life has changed in the last 12 months.
This time last year, Ants and I were in Parie, exploring the city and feeling the vibe. Ants was working at that stage too, which made life a bit easier. It was cold, and beautiful.
Then Anthony lost his job, and couldn’t get another one. All pressure was on me. That was tough. I had to suck it up and go to work, even when I was so ill I should have been in bed sleeping. But those are things that you do so that you survive. Well, what I do to survive. I wish Anthony had gone down to the local bar that was hiring. Just to earn something. I gave him a pretty good life for 8 months.
Then we get back to New Zealand, and I’m living in Rotorua, learning what it is to be myself, and with that came the realisation that Anthony was not the right person for me. So I broke off our engagement.
With this it seems, has come a loss of friends. Lincoln hasn’t talked to me, neither has some others. Maybe it’s because they don’t know what side of the fence to be on. They don’t know what to say to me? I had thought that friendships I had made through Ants were stronger than a breakup. Maybe I was wrong. I guess, to quote Anthony… “How many friends do I really have anyway?”. What does that make my friendships with these people over the last 7 years then? Fake? Untrue? Am I just that annoying girlfriend that everyone puts up with to make the night go smoothly and not stir the pot?
I’m jealous of missing Jenni’s Christmas party that she had. I wish I could have gone – but at the same time, I’m glad I came to Taranaki to see my family. I didn’t realise how much I missed them. I’m so sick of being away from my friends. I think that’s the one big thing I’m hating about Rotorua, and indeed what I hated about being in the UK. I really feel I’m missing out on so much life, so much action, so much living. I’m so used to being… not in the action. Sitting at home and watching TV. And now that I’ve got a chance to be myself, and not be… surpressed… and to go to visit my friends and hang out at parties etc… I’m in Rotorua. No car, not much money (thanks Christmas) Road block.
I got the 20 questions from my family at lunch today. Nothing that I couldn’t handle. It was weird not being with Anthony. Some of my family who didn’t know asked after him, so I had to tell them. It was a hard day though, really. Having to re-live something painful to every one of my aunties and uncles, and cousins to boot. No wonder I’m feeling a bit down.
Soon, I will be at a cross roads. What am I going to do? Shall I settle in Wellington, or go back overseas? I’m keen to buy an apartment in Wellington, but I’m not sure just yet.
I guess I’m having a bit of a nostalgic “What have I done?” episode. Especially now because Mum and Dad’s Swiss cook-coo clock has chimed Christmas Day. I know I’ve done the right thing. But knowing that I’ve done the right thing, doesn’t stop it from hurting.
Merry Christmas everyone. May your 2010 be a damn site much better than this stupid fucken 2009.
Current Mood:
crushed
Tags: Anthony, Life Stuff, Relationship
sprokes_blog
It seems to me that 2009 has been a massive year for endings for all manner of people. That hopefully means the universe is telling us that 2010 will be a year full of new beginnings:) Merry Christmas Heidi:)
Merry Christmas to you too Sass. I hope you have a fabulous day
Well I still like you. Not that I really know you that well, but I hardly know Anthony better.
My 2009′s been quite shit too, so I’m really impressed with how strong you’ve been in dealing with all the stress and I’m sure you’ll make the right decision about what to do next.
Thank you. I appreciate your support. I hear many people’s 2009 has been crap. Apparently, astrologically 2009 is the year of endings.
I feel a bit weird about the ‘strong’ part. The way that I see it, I’ve made a decision and I’m sticking to it, because I know it’s the right one.
I’m glad you still like me… what are you doing for New Years? Have you my cellphone number?
Not sure yet, somewhere in Wellington though, depends how I’m feeling really. Hmm, 8 3 double-7 1 5?
Yes yes, that is indeed my cellphone number. flick me a text so I have your number yeah?
You should bring friends to vinegar hill. Do it, do it now.
What’s that then?
Well with no internet, this question was a bit hard to answer! bloody hell!
gods but i feel for you on this… i lost a bunch of friends when Jodi and i separated. to a certain extent it’s part of the reason that Bex and i are moving… after years of trying, Wellington just doesn’t feel like home anymore ’cause i still feel like i have to work so hard to have a social life these days. and now is better than it was a couple of years ago where Bex and i were both persona non grata in a lot of places. to a certain extent i’ve had to just draw some lines in the sand. some people (e.g. Jodi) are worth my time and effort, others are not. you may find the same to be true for you. the people who stick by you through this time are your friends. those that don’t, well, you may find that it’s best to just amputate those relationships and move on.
but, as always, your milage may vary.
i also empathize with you on the whole “where?” question. it’s taken a while but it feels good to have settled on a destination… which is the primary reason that Bex and i are getting married/having a wedding. it’s just putting a legal document to the relationship that Bex and i already have. but US immigration insists on that particular legal document for Bex to be able to live and work in the US. we have pretty much decided on Oakland, but Portland still has a lot of appeal. the way the plan is now, we’ll try Oakland first for a year or so, and then maybe move to Portland next depending on how we’re feeling then.
anyhoo, yes, this is a difficult time, but it’s also an opportunity to start fresh and toss away the things/ideas/etc that are no longer useful to you.
and for all of the things that haven’t worked out as you might have planned, it’s nonetheless been a heck of an adventure.
many blessings for you in 2010!!!
thanks Allyn *hugs* your willingness to talk to me about these things means a lot to me