I wrote an email to my friend Adrienne today.  I talked to her about the dying moments of mine and Anthony’s relationship.  I still have doubts over what I did.  Was it the right thing?  After relieving the moments through the email, yes. I did do the right thing.

The following is a little bit (in fact very) personal. It’s your choice if you wish to read on. I’m just saying what’s on my mind, and getting rid of some mental toxins. I am still pretty hurt. Like I said. It’s your choice. Don’t bitch to me about it if you chose to read it.

I guess the thing that hurts the most is how many friends I’ve lost over this.  But why should I be hurt? I mean, c’mon “How many friends do I really have anyway?” right Anthony?

It’s funny because there always has to be a bad guy when there’s a break up. I don’t know how the gossip mills have worked around our circle of friends. I don’t know if anyone really has taken notice of any of the reasons (apart from those who were directly involved).  But because I’m the one who gave back the ring (my beautiful ring to which I still adore, and wish that I didn’t have to have given it back, despite all it symbolised), I’m the bad guy.

Despite the fact that I was the one leaving a degrading, dominating, emotionally empty relationship.  I was the one freeing myself from what could have been yes a comfortable, but an unfulfilling life.  A relationship where me, my time,  my effort, emotion, and the plans that we had together were taken for granted.  They were just going to happen, and there was no if-buts-or-maybes.  It didn’t matter how either one of us behaved, because it was going to be Heidi and Anthony, and that’s how it was.

It didn’t matter that he paid next to no affection for me, because there was always an L5R story to read, or some button to click on some stupid online-game.

That while I was in Rotorua, there was so little enthusiasm and passion from his side.  Our conversations were maybe ten minutes long if I was lucky, and only occasionally he would actually ask me “so, how are you?” and mean it.  Not to mention the fact that there was no ‘excitement’ about seeing  me.  It was chore-’excitement’.  After 4 weeks of not being with each other, it was chore-’excitement’?! I mean c’mon! After 4 weeks you’d think there’d be some enthusiasm in the ‘excitement’ area?!

It didn’t matter the night at the club that I was teaching Kylie and some girls a few moves on the pole, and then egged on by the crowd I did (what I could remember of) my pole dance routine.  That didn’t matter, because there was a playstation with a snowboarding game by the DJ booth, and you got to play that instead. That’s way more exciting.  And while there were other guys thinking “hot”, while watching and cheering me on dancing around a pole, you were busy playing a stupid game.  No matter we hadn’t seen each other for weeks, and this was your weekend of “surprising” me.  Actually, to be honest, you just ended up intruding on valuable time that Kylie and I wanted together.

And least of all, it didn’t matter that I was so so lonely and felt deserted in the UK, because you had friends, and you got to sit on your ass for 9 months clicking facebook games, while I worked myself to utter sickness, and still went to work despite how sick I was, because I had to. Because if I didn’t work, we didn’t get money.  I hated you right at that moment.  The two days where I was so sick that I could barely get out of bed, but you told me I had to go.  You laid it on me thick and heavy that I had to go to work. Mostly coz you couldn’t even be bothered going to get a bar job. That pissed me off.  Oh no, you couldn’t get a bar job, because you were worth more than that. Ungrateful fucker.  You take what you’re damn well give.  And to think I defended you against my parents. What was I thinking?  I should have gone home with them right then and there.  If I wasn’t going to Budapest, I would have considered it.

But no, we weren’t going to go home, because you’ve got friends in the UK, and I don’t have friends in the UK, or in NZ. So what difference does it make, right?  It was then, that I realised that I definitely had to push for us to come home, and I needed to leave him.  I mean, who tells someone that their social circle is as not important as their own?  Well it turns out that in reality, he wasn’t far off.  Breaking up with him has given me a huge insight into this.  I guess that’s why that remark runs so deep.  I will never forgive you for that hurt that day Anthony.  You knew just where to cut me, and you did it with all that you could.  And the strangest part? You still don’t understand how you hurt me. You are so thick sometimes.

Why didn’t you try? I felt so defeated on so many occasions. You had no passion for me. No enthusiasm for us, or for life.  You just wandered on through life until I came along, and that was that. Deal sealed. You’ve got the girl, now you can have the kids, the car, the white picket fence.  And now that I’m gone, another girl has wandered along into you life to fill that bill.  You have somebody else to possess, that fits into your ideal image of what your ideal life, and your ideal house, and ideal picket fence will look like.

I spent so much of our time together wondering when you’d wake up from your day-dream and notice me. When our life together would start. I realised that after 7.5 years, what’s another 6 months, 1 year, 10 years going to change? Nothing. You will still be you, with your 2-D life, and your 1-D thoughts.

You treated me like crap. You walked all over me.  My biggest mistake was letting it carry on for so many years. I should have left you earlier. I should have left you years ago.  Somehow, despite the way you treated me, you had a way to win my heart. At the time, I loved you. Now I hate that I loved you.  I hate that I still care for you, and that makes this so so hard.  I hate, that in some way, you still have control over me.

I felt so powerless in that relationship. We were not equals. It was always about you, and every time I tried to stand up for myself, you had a way to make it all my fault. Oh no, it could never be you.   And the sad thing is, I see it in other relationships that you have. with your friends, and your work colleagues, and it shines through especially when you’re playing games.  You’re just lucky that people have put that trait down to a ‘gamer’ thing, and not realised that it’s actually a part of how you behave.  I’ve tried to talk to you about it, but you’re so oblivious that unless someone actually gives you a good kick up the ass, that you’ll never learn. The way you belittle people, the way you jab at people’s weak spots. You think it’s funny, but it’s not.  It’s hurtful and degrading.  You need to grow up.  You need to get out of your little headspace, and actually see the effect you have on people.

I guess that’s a little bit of what I tried to do when I left you.  Tried to give you that kick up the ass so you’d realise that your behaviour was not acceptable.  If you were a child, I would put you in time out. But you’re not. Your a stubborn guy, set in his ways, who needs his partner to be submissive to his whim, because God knows you can’t have somebody stand up for themselves.

I guess the sad thing is that you’ve really thrown me through the ringer. I don’t have any fight left in me. An Aries, without fight? Without passion? Without motivation? Without self-confidence? What the hell is an Aries without those things? Who am I, without those things? Someone whose been controlled and dominated for far too long.  It’s taking a few very special people to put me back together.  One in particular who tells me off whenever I display “Anthony-provoked” behaviour when it’s not needed now. Very patient, very kind, and so understanding. I couldn’t wish for someone better. It helps that he understands Anthony. He’s witnessed first hand what Anthony can be like in his oblivious “all about me, I’m so Orsum” state.  If that is what he got dished out to him, then he has some understanding of what I went through day in and day out.

It’s kind of weird that I’ve lost the self-confident, self-assured, know-what-I-want Heidi. My friends don’t recognise me.  Different people in my life are slowly helping me find all the pieces that I lost.  It’s funny because you loose those pieces so slowly, it’s not until you’re empty that you realise how much went missing.  I can’t wait to find them all again.

Current Mood: confused

I met up with Ants today after work. We sat in some cafe, and we talked. It was good to talk.

The topics ranged from how work was going for each of us, to Burger King’s Hershey’s pie. We also talked about what happened between us. It was scary to bring that topic up. I also commented on how slim he’s become. I’m proud of him for looking after his body. That’s something that deep down, always concerned me (as he did used to be a rather big fellow – as did I). Walking up hills every day is helping a lot. Good work Ampony.

We managed to talk about the hurt, and the fact that during our time together we had taken each other for granted, and we both didn’t work as hard at our relationship as we could have. We knew what we had planned in our lives for the next few years, breaking up wasn’t even considered in that plan. Ants said that when looking back, he recognises what the signs were now. Hindsight.  I told him that I knew at the time what the signs were, but I chose to ignore them because I wanted him to be my husband.

I got to show Ants my new car. I gave him a lift home, and he showed me where he was living now (although I knew coz I’d been there after Kapcon a couple of years ago).  On the drive home, I unconsciously breathed a big sigh. He noticed, and commented.
“Just a lot on my mind, you know?” I said.
“Yeah, I know” he replied.
I gave him a squeeze on his arm. I don’t know whether he appreciated that or not. But I did. In the end, I still care deeply for this man that I’ve shared so much of my life with.

Once again I had that weird feeling of ‘this is the person that I used to console when he was feeling down, but this is… different’.

One of the reasons that I wanted to meet with him, just the two of us was so that our first meeting wasn’t an awkward one at somebody’s party, or somebody’s house.  The good thing is, we did okay.  We’re not bestest buddies, and that’s okay too. But we’re on good terms. Neither of us are going to be uppity (?) about the friends we share.  That’s also a great thing.  And that’s the thing that I wanted to achieve tonight. Some questions answered, some issues resolved, and a place for each of us to start moving forward.

When dropping him home, I yoinked  some of my CDs he’d stolen. Then he gave me a hug. It was a nice hug. I appreciated that.

Current Mood: optimistic & peaceful

My God, how my life has changed in the last 12 months.

This time last year, Ants and I were in Parie, exploring the city and feeling the vibe. Ants was working at that stage too, which made life a bit easier. It was cold, and beautiful.

Then Anthony lost his job, and couldn’t get another one. All pressure was on me. That was tough.  I had to suck it up and go to work, even when I was so ill I should have been in bed sleeping. But those are things that you do so that you survive.  Well, what I do to survive. I wish Anthony had gone down to the local bar that was hiring. Just to earn something.  I gave him a pretty good life for 8 months.

Then we get back to New Zealand, and I’m living in Rotorua, learning what it is to be myself, and with that came the realisation that Anthony was not the right person for me.  So I broke off our engagement.

With this it seems, has come a loss of friends. Lincoln hasn’t talked to me, neither has some others.  Maybe it’s because they don’t know what side of the fence to be on.  They don’t know what to say to me? I had thought that friendships I had made through Ants were stronger than a breakup.  Maybe I was wrong. I guess, to quote Anthony… “How many friends do I really have anyway?”.  What does that make my friendships with these people over the last 7 years then? Fake? Untrue? Am I just that annoying girlfriend that everyone puts up with to make the night go smoothly and not stir the pot?

I’m jealous of missing Jenni’s Christmas party that she had. I wish I could have gone – but at the same time, I’m glad I came to Taranaki to see my family.  I didn’t realise how much I missed them.  I’m so sick of being away from my friends.  I think that’s the one big thing I’m hating about Rotorua, and indeed what I hated about being in the UK. I really feel I’m missing out on so much life, so much action, so much living.  I’m so used to being… not in the action. Sitting at home and watching TV. And now that I’ve got a chance to be myself, and not be… surpressed… and to go to visit my friends and hang out at parties etc… I’m in Rotorua. No car, not much money (thanks Christmas)  Road block.

I got the 20 questions from my family at lunch today. Nothing that I couldn’t handle. It was weird not being with Anthony.  Some of my family who didn’t know asked after him, so I had to tell them. It was a hard day though, really.  Having to re-live something painful to every one of my aunties and uncles, and cousins to boot. No wonder I’m feeling a bit down.

Soon, I will be at a cross roads. What am I going to do? Shall I settle in Wellington, or go back overseas? I’m keen to buy an apartment in Wellington, but I’m not sure just yet.

I guess I’m having a bit of a nostalgic “What have I done?” episode. Especially now because Mum and Dad’s Swiss cook-coo clock has chimed Christmas Day.  I know I’ve done the right thing. But knowing that I’ve done the right thing, doesn’t stop it from hurting.

Merry Christmas everyone.  May your 2010 be a damn site much better than this stupid fucken 2009.

Current Mood: crushed

So it’s been a week and a bit since I broke up with Anthony.  It was a pretty crazy weekend actually.

After getting down to Welly on Saturday morning, I stopped in to see a friend for some advice, then carried on.  I took Ants down to the beach where he proposed to me, and told him that it was over.  We talked a little.  He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t a blubbering mess.  I’ve thought about that comment, and realised that I wasn’t a mess because I had taken so much time to come to terms with this decision.  It was more fulfilling the act then working through the problem.  Don’t get me wrong, I was sad I just didn’t feel it the way that I have done in the past.

I got back to Bambi’s and had a cry.  A good cry.  And then I carried on with my day.  We talked, we had a few smokes (yes started smoking again for that period of time – have given up again though)  Kylie rocked up with her friend Rebecca, and we had a few drinks.  Then we got ready to go out (including Kies straightening my hair).

Some people have asked or questioned why I would want to go out the night I’d just broken up with my fiancee.  Some have thought that I was celebrating the decision.  I wasn’t.  I was sad/subdued all night, but I don’t get to Welly very often, and when I do, I try to make time for my friends.  I was a bit miffed that only a handful turned up, but hey, I didn’t advertise it as I usually would have, and those of my friends with bumps in their belly’s, I understand And those that did turn up are those that are closest to me at the moment anyway.  I guess the main thing was, I wasn’t going to sit at home and mope about what had happened.  I had already come to terms with my decision, so why pine over it feeling sorry for myself?  I am glad that I didn’t get as drunk as Becca did though (who found out that her boyf had been making advances to other girls) and she turned into a mess.  I was careful not to do that, because I know that if I’d gotten smashed, I would have been the same.

Anyway, we resided in Kitties for the night, which included some shakers (thanks Bambi) and meaningful learning of signing “wahhh” (directed at Becca) and Kylie and I shaking our tail feathers to the live band, esp to Faith, Hey-ya (which made me a little sad because that was a New Years song with Ants at the Mount one year) and Blister in the Sun.  I couldn’t believe that I could jump in my heels.

Chris was our sober driver home, to which we were all very grateful for.  And he brought the piece-of-shit car too which meant it wouldn’t have been so bad if anyone did need to throw up lol *bags not cleaning*

The next day Kylie went to get her eyebrows done and tinted, Amber and I fluffed around at her house, and then I met Kies at Wholly Bagels for a snack. It was during this time of analysing my relationship with Kies that I got a message from Ants, saying that he’d packed up my stuff, and he wanted it out. Thank God I didn’t drink last night and have a hangover.  I managed to be calm with him on the phone, and worked out that Bambi and I would go over and pick it up.  He was also already trying to discuss financials.  I have to say, I was a little taken a-back at how abruptly he wanted me out of his life.  I know that it was his way of dealing with his emotion, but still.  It was almost “you’ve made the decision, so get the hell out of my life right bloody now”.

Kylie had to go back to Palmy, so Amber and I went around to Kathy and Ants’s place to collect my stuff.  It felt weird to be there.  This place that I had thought of as my second  home for 7.5 years and suddenly I was unwanted.  That was when it started to hurt.  So I just did my best to get my stuff and go.  Ants and I ended up talking.  This was also sad. Not sad because I still loved him, but sad because it hurt that someone I care for so deeply was hurting, and I couldn’t comfort him, because I was the one that was hurting him.  It was a very odd sensation.  I’m always the one that is caring, empathetic, sympathetic when someone is hurting, and to know that I wasn’t the appropriate person to hug him and tell him that everything will be okay was very strange, especially as this would be the time that he needed that caring most, and probably one of the few times when I’ve seen him be in touch so much with his emotion. I hope it’s this depth of caring that we have for one-another that will help us to be friends later when we’ve both healed.  Of course, I’m not going to push for anything. Que sera, sera.

BTW, I have to thank Chris immensely for storing my stuff at his house for me. He has all my precious’s like my photo albums and memories.  I am so so grateful to him.

The next week has all gone pretty quickly for me.  I have caught myself thinking/planning for my wedding and had to remind myself that I have no one to marry.   I’ve been sleeping easier, and I feel much more calm and relaxed about what is going to happen in my life.  I know I have good friends, and I have friends who are both my friends and Anthony’s friends, who are sticking by both of us, and I don’t for the life of me expect anyone to take sides – mostly because there are no sides to take.  I hope that in time, Ants and I can rock up to the same parties with our perspective boyf/girlf and be able to hug and say hello, share a drink and have a chat.  I don’t expect that will be easy, but while I have lost a lover, I don’t want to loose a friend, especially one I have shared so much of my life with, and have so many good memories with.

Over the past week Ants has worked hard to get a separation agreement sorted for us. I have to read through it tonight, and get it all signed and stuff.

My next goal will be purchasing a car – funnily enough the same goal I’ve had for the past four months. Except now I have less money to do it in.  I was hoping to get one before Christmas, but that doesn’t look likely now. *sigh* I’ll have to hire a car for my Christmas and New Years jaunt around the country (PS, open invite for NY’s at Vinegar Hill if you’re interested).  But in saying that, I’m a little up in the air as to whether I will buy a car, or maybe I’ll go back overseas. I guess I’ll have to make up my mind fairly soon.   I kinda want to just get through my last 6 weeks in Rotorua, and then decide.  If I get any permanent job in Welly, I’ll have to stay for at least two years.  By which time, a OE around Europe will probably just be a holiday rather than a get stuck in and work trip.  But then I didn’t get to take much advantage of my time over there while I was working anyway, so tripping around might not be so bad.  Time-frame decisions need to be had I guess.

My second goal will be to go through all my and Ants’s stuff at my parents place.  We stored so much stuff at Kathy’s, and there’s about as much at Mum and Dads.  I will have to go through it all and figure out who gave what for our engagement party, and find all of Ants’s stuff to give back to him.  That will be another emotional roller-coaster.  I will probably go to Welly on Boxing day night.  Ants and I have a lot of digital that we need to transfer too, but I don’t know whether just after Christmas will be too soon. I guess I’ll talk to him about that.

It’s funny where I’m sitting at the moment.  I’m sad for what might have been, but I’m not unhappy with my decision.  I’ve had a lot of support from friends and family, and it feels weird to be making up my own mind, and making my own decisions again.  I’m enjoying my new-found freedom.  I’m enjoying my new-found Heidi.

Current Mood: calm & contemplative

Written a while ago, posted today.

27 nov 09

So, I’ve made the decision to break up with Anthony.  It’s been a difficult decision to make, but the more I think about “do I want to be like this for the next 50 years” the more I think “hell no”.

Please don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t love him, and I will always have a candle burning for him for the rest of my life.

This decision has happened over a long process, since things were not good between us in London (and one of the reasons why I said we needed to come back, even though that’s not what I said to him).  This decision has been going around in circles for many many months, but now, through good council from friends (not pushing, just listening), and to those that I’ve talked to, I appreciate you willing to listen to me on this topic, as it has been my main topic of conversation since coming back from UK.

There have been many factors that have lead me to this decision.  Moving away from Ants to Rotorua was probably one of the best things I could have done.  To not be signed to a lease of a rental with him, to not currently have any furniture with him (except for the big-screen TV that he purchased, which I wasn’t really happy with at the time, but didn’t have any real reason to say ‘no’).

I guess my decision was really made the last time he came to see me (which he hasn’t done very often, because he always moans about the cost).  It felt like my brother had come to stay. Srsly. There was no passion, no excitement, even though we hadn’t seen each other for 4 weeks, and had barely spoken on the phone.  We argued, over something that was trivial, but I wasn’t willing to back down just so that he could be ‘right’.  Also we didn’t really get any closure.  We nearly broke up then, and the only reason I stopped him from packing his bag was because I was worried about how he would drive the 5ish hours back to Wellington in that state.

I also feel that I stayed with him for so long because I felt I owed him.  He was the one that encouraged me to go to uni.  He was the one that helped me on my path to who I am today. It’s taken me a while to realise that I don’t owe him, because I have put more than my fair share back into this relationship.

I also realised that he and I have been ‘married’ for 5 or so years now.  We’ve talked about how we are both in this relationship for the long-haul, and we’ve been thinking about, and planning our life.  But because of that we are comfortable.  There’s no need to try and bring the passion, there’s no need to make an effort.

I’ve felt that Ants has always done everything by the book.  He started going out with me, because I asked, we moved in together because I asked, he asked me to marry him because I asked him first.  He turned me down because it ‘wasn’t the right time’ and then asked me when he had finished his accounting exams 5 months later.  And we went over to England because I insistently asked.

I feel that Ants does things because this is about right in the time that they should be done, rather than because he wants to do them with everything he has.  I don’t doubt that he loves me.  But some part of me thinks that he loves me because he should love me.

So, after going around in circles with this situation, I have arrived at my decision.  Next weekend, I will be going down to Wellington, and I will be breaking up with him.  Obviously, by the time I post this story, it will have already happened. I’m not about to break up with him via my blog.

I have loved the last 7.5 years together, and I do not think that they are a waste.  You have taught me a lot about myself, and a lot about who I can be.  But I have grown, and changed.  You are still the same.  I will always love you, but you can no longer provide me with what I seek.

I wish you all the happyness that this earth will provide you.

Current Mood: content

I’m not quite sure how to tell people this bit of news.  I thought about texts, but I don’t have everybody’s number, and it’s impersonal.  Same with an email, but that too would just be a group message.  So by default I’m going to tell people through this. Probably not the best option, because not everybody will read this, and this too is impersonal.  But oh well.

So I broke up with Anthony over the weekend.

I’m fine, at the moment.  Content with my decision.  Grieving for the loss of what we had, and what we were going to share in the future.  It’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.  The next hardest will be splitting our finances.  I hope that he and I can come through this and still be friends. That will probably also be hard, and take some time.  We’ll see what happens. No pressure.

I do love him, I just don’t think that he’s the man I want to marry.

And that’s all I’m going to say about that (right now).

Thanks for listening/reading.

Current Mood: contemplative & content

I have been without constant internet lately.  This makes me sad, and behind in my posts.  I am attempting to write them in word, with thoughts of coming into work with my laptop and putting everything online. Sadly this doesn’t seem to be happening just yet. Mostly because Ants brought me Dollhouse S2, and I’ve watched the first four episodes. All I can say is yay for BSG!! It’s exciting seeing my old fave actors.  I’m just wondering how many of them will be cylons lol

Work is going well, I have to conduct appraisals in two weeks, which I’m a little freaked about. Oh well, there’s a first for everything.  At least I didn’t have to put together the format or anything.

Living on my own is going reasonably well, except I don’t know enough things to cook to keep me interested, however Ants discovered that I have a crock-pot, which is really great because my two little element hot plate thing just doesn’t get hot enough.  Also it might make a difference to my addiction to cornthins + vegemite + whatevers in the cupboard.  I live realitvely close to one of the main gysers at the entrance to Rotovegas, and it’s surprising how the smell changes. I went to put my washing out last night, and it smelt like someone had taken a dump on my doorstep.  Other days it’s quite pleasent.  Hopefully it’s more pleasent than not.

Ants started his new job today.  I’m so excited for him.  He’s thinking of joining the social soccer team, which I would be really happy if he did.  I’m not the team-player sort, so I will just stick to trying to do walking and yoga.  Ants has done really well to get back to his pre-NZ weight before we left the UK… I on the other hand am going a little backwards in that respect.  Must work harder… 15 months until wedding.

We haven’t made any plans in that respect.  We’re still leaning towards having it at my parents place, but we’re not 100% certian yet, which is funny because I always thought that I would want to have it there, but now I’m just not sure.  I think it’s partly because my parents are thinking retiring to town, and if they want to do that soon, then I will be holding up their plans.  Who knows?

Right, well off that note, I shall go home and do some cooking.  Miss you all. Oh, I have a spare bed if anyone wants to come stay in Rotorua.  I’d be keen to go Zorbing again!

Current Mood: bored

Dear Anthony

I miss you.

I know that you don’t have internet access, and it may be a while before you get to read this, but I’m am writing to you all the same.

I miss waking up to you in the morning.  I got out of bed and turned off my alarm this morning, then jumped back into the warm blankets.  There was no you to demand a cuddle from, nor did the blankets stay warm after I jumped out.  If you were my hottie, they would have stayed longer.  I have to wear lots of layers and have a hot water bottle in bed with me just to stay warm enough. If you were here, you would be my heater.

I miss making your breakfast of fresh fruit, nuts, and soya yoghurt, and putting it in the fridge.  I like starting the day knowing that we’ll both have at least one healthy meal, even if the rest of the day is down hill.

I miss giving you a goodbye kiss in the morning.  I am jealous that Janjo gets to give one to Gareth.

I do enjoy mine and Janjo’s car rides in the morning.  It does not seem like an hour of talking, laughing and singing (though mostly talking).  I am enjoying getting to know her.

I miss seeing your beautiful blue crinkly eyes and mocking your short hair. I miss your kiss, and I miss your arms wrapped around me.  You can reach around me now, and double your arms up… you didn’t used to be able to do that!

I even miss giving you back rubs.  This doesn’t mean that when I see you, you can demand more!

I can’t wait to be your wife.  I love you so much.  We have been together through many trials, and many amusements. Marry me already will you?!  You’re 31 years old now.  You should be married with babies!

I am looking forward to seeing you again. I won’t see you this weekend because of Adam’s birthday.  The week after I’m meant to be spending time with Kylie.  I’ve still to organise this.

Three weeks without seeing you? That’s torture. 5 months seems like a long time to be spending away from you.  I didn’t think it would feel like that long.  I hope my original assumptions were right, but at the moment, it feels like forever.

Work is going well.  I wish I were able to speak to you about it.  Having no signal at home on my cellphone, this is not helpful.  And having limited time/battery life at lunch time is not helpful either.

I talked to Simone tonight. She said she spent 6 months living in a different city to David.  She didn’t like it, and moved when his contract was renewed for another 6 months. She didn’t help console me, even though she was supposed to be.  She could sympathise though, and that was nice.  I can wah to Simone and she will understand. I better not wah too much though, she might tell me to harden up!

Some of the girls at work have long-distance husbands.  One is in Australia, and one is a truck driver whose away a lot.  I don’t know how they do it, because I’ve been away from you not that long, and already I’m sad about you not being here.  Maybe I’ll get used to it.  Or maybe I’ll go slowly insane.

I miss you.

I need to sleep now, and have more fabulous Japanese/Western styled dreams.

I love you.

Your only Heidi

Current Mood: cranky & determined & lonely

It was a beautiful day here in Londontown.  It’s been fining up nicely with cold temps in the morning, but warm in the midday/afternoon.  With weather like this, we would have been silly to waste it moping around the house.  So we took the new camera for a walk.  We dawdled down towards Canary Wharf, which is surprisingly close to my house (about a 20min walk, if we were walking properly).  It still amazes me how small London actually is, but how long it takes to get anywhere!

We wandered around the shops at Canary Wharf for a while, had some dinner at Nandos (haven’t done that in ages) and then headed back to Whitechapel to see a movie.  We caught the D3 bus from Canary – Whitechapel, and I cannot believe how long it took.  Not only did we have to wait 20 minutes for it to come, we spent 40 mins on the bus, 15 of it stuck in traffic! Grr, what a waste of time! We would have been faster to walk!  That’s the other crazy thing.  London may be small, but it takes forever to get anywhere!

Anyway, we saw The Boat that Rocked which had a fantastic cast.  Not just with Bill Nighy, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman, but also the very fantastic Rhys Darby, who was playing a character not too dissimilar from Murray. But we loved him anyway.  Set in the 1960s about a pirate radio station on a freighter in the North Sea, I really enjoyed it – definitely a good laugh.

The view from our veranda

Current Mood: creative

It started to snow this afternoon! How excitement! The chill was definitely in the air last night when we were coming home.  It’s a pity the heater in our room isn’t working properly (air bubbles in the fins we think).

Anyway, we went out to play:

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Just as the snow started to fall

Ants writing his name in the snow… the proper way.

Look at that clean sheet of snow

Invizible Snoflake
<- Click the link for clarification

I did a pikture with my feets It looks like a colon

My favourite two pictures

Look how heavy it’s coming down!

Girls playing in the snow

Person draggin their suitcase through the snow

Peaceful cemetery.  I love this orange hue that reflected off everything.

Current Mood: crazy