My God, how my life has changed in the last 12 months.

This time last year, Ants and I were in Parie, exploring the city and feeling the vibe. Ants was working at that stage too, which made life a bit easier. It was cold, and beautiful.

Then Anthony lost his job, and couldn’t get another one. All pressure was on me. That was tough.  I had to suck it up and go to work, even when I was so ill I should have been in bed sleeping. But those are things that you do so that you survive.  Well, what I do to survive. I wish Anthony had gone down to the local bar that was hiring. Just to earn something.  I gave him a pretty good life for 8 months.

Then we get back to New Zealand, and I’m living in Rotorua, learning what it is to be myself, and with that came the realisation that Anthony was not the right person for me.  So I broke off our engagement.

With this it seems, has come a loss of friends. Lincoln hasn’t talked to me, neither has some others.  Maybe it’s because they don’t know what side of the fence to be on.  They don’t know what to say to me? I had thought that friendships I had made through Ants were stronger than a breakup.  Maybe I was wrong. I guess, to quote Anthony… “How many friends do I really have anyway?”.  What does that make my friendships with these people over the last 7 years then? Fake? Untrue? Am I just that annoying girlfriend that everyone puts up with to make the night go smoothly and not stir the pot?

I’m jealous of missing Jenni’s Christmas party that she had. I wish I could have gone – but at the same time, I’m glad I came to Taranaki to see my family.  I didn’t realise how much I missed them.  I’m so sick of being away from my friends.  I think that’s the one big thing I’m hating about Rotorua, and indeed what I hated about being in the UK. I really feel I’m missing out on so much life, so much action, so much living.  I’m so used to being… not in the action. Sitting at home and watching TV. And now that I’ve got a chance to be myself, and not be… surpressed… and to go to visit my friends and hang out at parties etc… I’m in Rotorua. No car, not much money (thanks Christmas)  Road block.

I got the 20 questions from my family at lunch today. Nothing that I couldn’t handle. It was weird not being with Anthony.  Some of my family who didn’t know asked after him, so I had to tell them. It was a hard day though, really.  Having to re-live something painful to every one of my aunties and uncles, and cousins to boot. No wonder I’m feeling a bit down.

Soon, I will be at a cross roads. What am I going to do? Shall I settle in Wellington, or go back overseas? I’m keen to buy an apartment in Wellington, but I’m not sure just yet.

I guess I’m having a bit of a nostalgic “What have I done?” episode. Especially now because Mum and Dad’s Swiss cook-coo clock has chimed Christmas Day.  I know I’ve done the right thing. But knowing that I’ve done the right thing, doesn’t stop it from hurting.

Merry Christmas everyone.  May your 2010 be a damn site much better than this stupid fucken 2009.

Current Mood: crushed

You know it’s really annoying when you have friends who just do not bother to initiate contact with you – and then turn it all around onto you, to make it your fault. Read more…

Bambi and I went to Tulsi on Cuba St tonight for dinner. I`m so bad, it`s the third day in a row that I`ve eaten out *smacks hand* but it`s SO GOOD! I love eating all the different foods that are out there. But meat and veges tomorrow night.
Read more…

J@zz`s Grandmothers house has been sold, and it`s being taken over by the new owners on the 18th March. So, we had to clean it out today. I think it was very sad for everyone involved, because that house was such a huge part of everyone`s lives. Even I came close to tears, though I didn`t cry, I held them back. I took loads of pictures of the place, but they didn`t do the house justice, because an empty house is just a shadow of the home it once was, with nothing inside (photos, furniture etc) to spark memories.

( click thumbnails for bigger picture)

Yaya’s House, and her family

lounge

dining room

kitchen

kitchen again

Yaya’s bedroom

the very steep stairs

bathroom

bedroom (upstairs)

another bedroom (upstairs)

upstairs

third bedroom (upstairs)

Yaya’s House (J@zz’s cousin posing)

After we finished moving, J@zz and I went up to Palmerston North for Kies`s birthday dinner. She`s a whole 23 on Wednesday! The trip up was good, traffic was great, and I drove up. It`s been a while since J@zz and I went on a trip where I drove, mostly because we usually take his car. But we had to take my car this time, because his car is up on blocks, with his Mum`s neighbour fixing it.

Kies, J@zz and I went for a HUGE walk, down to Massy Uni and back, which took us about an hour & half. It was mostly flat, so we went up stairs as well, or rather ran up them. I was stuffed by the time we got back to Kies`s place.

I haven`t been able to celebrate Kies`s birthday with her for about 4-5 years, so it was so nice being able to go out to dinner with her family. We had lovely meals, and fabulous pudding; J@zz and I shared a chocolate pudding, which was just lots of different types of chocolate like cake, chocolate covered marshmallows, chocolate sauce. J@zz and I were glad we went on that walk!

wicked glass in the ceiling of the restaurant

J@zz and me

PapaKies and MamaKies

Kies!

Kies’s olders sister

J@zz

Kies and me

PapaKies playing with his camera

J@zz and my dessert – can you see the sugar!

Kies and me relaxing after dinner with FULL puku’s!

Snapped! Kies and her friend dancing

We went back to Kies`s house to wait for her friends, and then go into town, watching Heavenly Creatures before we went out (and me drinking a Red Bull and Vodka”¦ mmm).

We finally got into town somewhere around midnight, and went to this place called HighFlyers. We met a bunch of Kies`s friends, including a guy that she`s got a thing for, who I so wouldn`t think she`d have a thing for, but she does, and that`s all good.

We hung round Flyers for ages, dancing drink etc, but then it started getting so totally crowded, and it was late etc, etc, and I just couldn`t handle it anymore. So Kies, her friend and us two went for a drive up to one of the lookouts, which wasn`t a very good lookout, then we went back to her place to sleeeeep.

Today on the way back to Wellington, J@zz and I stopped in to see Cuz and his partner, and his new (6 weeks old) baby girl. Babycuz was so gorgeous! I took loads of pictures. Cuz is such a proud dada!

I got so clucky! She is such a beautiful baby! I want one (in time)! Cuz was hassling me about how it would be my turn soon. I told him I enjoyed babies, and I could work with them, but man, it`s good when the parents come take them home!

Cuz, Cuzgirl, Me, BabyCuz

Aunty Sproke and BabyCuz

Me and BabyCuz

Cuzgirl and BabyCuz

Cuz and his precious

Uncle J@zz and BabyCuz (he didn`t wanna hold, but Cuz kinda threw her at him! Don`t get clucky J@zz!)

Me and Cuz

Nana`s still here. We thought that she may have passed on by now but she`s still here.

We saw Nana this morning, and she hasn`t really changed since last night.

Stretch called WINZ today and got a $30 food grant, which he promptly spent on meat for his mates BBQ which they were meant to be having tonight, which I thought was really, really dumb, because $30 could have carefully been spent on food to last him right through the week. But in the end, he`s contributing it to someone who is going to give him board and food and a shower (damn, he smelt today!).

So we dropped Stretch out at Whakatu and then Stick and I cruised around in her car for a bit having talking and stuff, before ending back at the hospital.

When we got there we had a little shock. Her eyes are getting more purple, her breathing is more shallow, however less rattlier because she`s off the fluids. Her arms are cold, but her feet and legs are not. Stick and I were discussing it, and we are thinking that it`s getting near the end for her. From watching her for the last three days, and seeing how she`s been going, her breathing now is only just enough to go in and out. Occasional she`ll take a deep breath and sometimes she`ll let out a couple of sighs like she`s having a dream, but she`s defiantly not going to wake up again.

We had one of her friends from the church where Nana used to work come and read her last rites, (or dying prayers) which Nana would have liked. It was quite a scary time, because I then felt like that Nana would pass on, especially when she let out a big breath, and took a little bit to take another one.

At the moment, I`m sitting here on my own because Stick is over at the motel talking to one of her friends. I want to ring Kies, but I don`t have much time on my phone, and I only kinda do, kinda don`t. I tell you what though, people have been so supportive. Everyone`s been saying “I`m here, just let me know if you need anything”and it`s so appreciated. Thank you very much everyone.

I`m going to go talk to Nana now.

Well that`s it. Nana has passed on to be with Pop.

I was sitting there waiting for Stick to come back from talking to her friend, at the motel. She text me around 10:30pm and told me she was on her way back, and I let Nana know. Her breathing was shallow, and not so rhythmatic. Sometimes she would be really shallow, and then she`d take a big breath and then she wouldn`t take one in for ages. She was making lots of sighs/moans like she was having a dream too, so when she did, I let her know that I was there.

She made some more moans, this time several in a row, and seemed to be a bit more agitated. I was falling asleep in the chair, and I turned to her and told her I was there. Her right eye was half open which was weird because she hadn`t attempted to open her eyes before. I told her that I was there, and after a bit, told her that I`d like it if she closed her eye because it was a little freaky for me. As I was there, I was thinking, “hurry up Stick, hurry up.” Then she took in this big breath and let out a big moan, and then didn`t take another one. I had a feeling wash over me, starting from my tummy, and moving up through my head. I knew that was it.

I grabbed my phone [time 11.00pm] and opened it up to call Stick, then thought she might be already in the hallway, and she was when I stepped out. I couldn`t say anything, so gestured for her to run. I had burst into tears, and Stick sprinted down the hallway (Nana`s room was right at the end of the ward). Stick just held onto me, and the nurses came in to check Nana. They told us that she hadn`t quite gone, but when people get like they take very shallow breaths. She still had a weak pulse. Stick and I sat with her, and Stick held her hand, thanking Nana for everything she`d done for us, and telling her to let go. I moved to the end of the bed, and I that feeling washed over me again, and I knew that she`d passed on. I said to Stick “I think she`s gone”. Just at the moment J@zz called me, because he was off to bed. I managed to get out that Nana had died, and I was so grateful that he stayed on the end of the line listening to me cry.

I rang Charlie and Stretch, and Stick rang PapaSproke, so he could ring MamaSproke. Stick was saying “I should have been here sooner.”I told her she had perfect timing. She then told me that the person on the after hours buzzer wasn`t going to let her in. Stick was really angry about that.

I went to get the nurses in to check her pulse, and they said that there wasn`t one there. Stick just held onto Nana`s hand. The house surgeon came in about half an hour later to check Nana`s vital signs, and we were shipped out into the waiting room. He came back, and let us go back in, and we sat with her until near on 12pm. The nurses came in and told us that they would have to lay her out straight. I told them that we were ready to leave anyway. Vicky said goodbye, and I kissed Nana on the forehead and said goodnight.

I`d texted all my close friends and told them that Nana had gone, and greeny called me to make sure that I was all right. I felt sad, but I did kinda feel all right, because I`d been there, and was with Nana when she passed over to the other world. Kies and Whitelie texted me, and made sure that I was good too. I had a cigarette (which I told J@zz I was having) and then Stick and I stayed up till about 1am, just talking about Nana and having coffee and stuff.

I hate my family sometimes. Not my Dad’s side, but those people attatched to MamaSproke. I’m so angry and sad right now, I don’t know what to do with myself, or what to feel first.
So here’s the story.

MamaSproke rang me up tonight, and said “No I don’t want you to panic, but Nana is sick in hospital. I’ve just been talking to her, and she doesn’t sound that good. We’re going up there this weekend.”
I was a bit shocked at this. But what comes next is the best part.
“She’s been there for three weeks. Rosco rang everyone except me, and told everyone not to tell me.”
So for some unbeknownst-to-me reason, none of my Mothers children tell her. And because of this, noone told me. Aparently Stick was ‘stuck between a rock and a hard place’. Now I don’t know the full story, but how does telling your mother that her mother is sick a hard decision to make? I mean, shit, what was going to happen if she told MamaSproke? Was Rosco going to get out his gun and shoot her? I think not!!! So right now I am very angry with her, and all of my other siblings (ps, those siblings are just MamaSproke’s children).

Now, I suppose you’re wondering why Rosco told everyone not to tell MamaSproke about Nana. Well basically the reason is that he’s an asshole, and doesn’t know what family is. He hates MamaSproke (because she wouldn’t put up with his mindgames and other shit, not to mention his bucktoothed, butt-ugly, chain-smoking, can’t-raise-children-but-can’t-admit-it, Canadian [not being raciests just telling the background] mail-order [well internet order, sold her business and married a stranger deal] bride. – can you tell how I feel about her?). Anyway, so for the past few years Rosco has been milking Nana for all that she’s got, so that when she passes, there’s not much left for the rest of everyone. Nana’s given him the money to start up his business, buy a house, buy the groceries, buy everything else for them, and he thinks he deserves it because “he took her in after Pop died”. Truth is she hated living there, because (literally) Son-of-Canadian-bitch would kick her and scream at her, and Blacktooth wouldn’t do anything about it. For a long time Nana tried to get out of there into a resthome, and it wasn’t until recently that she did (well a year or so ago).

So there you have it. The story of my fucked up eldest brother, who really was a mistake for him to be born. At the moment I’m wishing the doctor had “accidentally” dropped him on his head when he was born.

Yes, I’m angry.

I want to charge up there right now and give him a piece of my mind. I’m really hating him right now. (Hate is a strong word too). But I will be doing near enough. I’m going to stay at Kies’s house tomorrow night, and my parents are going to pick me up on the way through, and we’re going to go so Nana. I wish so hard that J@zz was coming with me, but he’s got Yaya’s 40 memorial thing to go to, which I’m supposed to be going to too. I’ve also go Tomboy’s 3rd birthday that I’m missing out on. Dumb bad news. I hate it when it comes. It’s even worse when it’s 3 weeks late. Stupid blood relations. Don’t think he’s family, he’s just related because we share the same mother that he doesn’t deserve to have.